I am easily only 6-10 years away from my oldest child getting married. It keeps me up at night thinking about my children growing up and starting their own families. I know that they will each marry a person that was brought up differently than they were, and together they will live life in a way different for both of them. I was blessed to marry a man that, despite having a medical upbringing, let's me raise our children holistically. My first husband was not that way. When I expressed my desire to have a home birth I was completely shut down and I agreed to a hospital birth to make my first husband happy. At the time it was not a big deal to me. I was happy to make my husband happy. I cringe when I imagine my own daughters going through a similar experience. I pray that there are men being prepared for them that are as willing as my husband to trust them to decide the type of experience my grandchildren will be brought into the world. As for my sons, I pray that they will be prepared to do choose their wives over their mother. I know that I will try to enlighten the women that my sons marry, and I pray that I will be able to do so gracefully.
In an article titled Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families by Richard B. Miller PhD, it says " The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. They no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families."
My mother really struggled with this. Granted four of her six children all wanted to do adult things before they were actually adults, but marriage of her children is what got her to step out. I can remember going to my parents after I was married, to ask them what to do, and they told me they could not tell me what to do. They gave me several different scenarios that they could see played out and offered me general advice to pray and read my scriptures, to seek for answers through the Holy Ghost.
I hope that I am able to step out more gracefully than my mother, but mostly I hope that I will be strong enough to offer the same suggestions to my children.
Can you remember specific power struggles with your parents? Do you think you are heavily influenced by those experiences?
Kiss and tell
When I was in first grade, my mother had to talk to the school principle three times because I was tackling boys on the playground and kissing them. As a teenager I can remember very deep conversations with my parents about the sacredness and power of physical intimacy. As a young single adult I always had a significant other, or was actively dating for the next significant other. Before being married I was a class A flirt. After being married I toned that flirtation way down, but could never find the line between friendly and flirtatious. It often seemed to me that just being friendly was taken as flirtatious and the only way to avoid the appearance of flirtation was to not talk to anyone of the opposite gender (in my case, either gender). I am a huge advocate of being friends with someone of the opposite gender, otherwise I would have almost no friends, and friends are an important part of life. I also would say that any person I dated is still a friend to me. That being said, there are things to watch out for that have nothing to do with being physical. According to Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor, School of Social Work, Brigham Young University: "Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife". Some dangers to look out for: If there is ever a time when a friend takes priority over a spouse, any deception to the spouse about interaction with that friend, other friends around you sharing their observations and concern about the friendship, feeling awkward when the friend and the spouse interact, and being defensive about the friendship. Some of the great tools I have found are having joint Facebook and email accounts with my husband. I have no intention of having any level of infidelity in my marriage, and just like the saying "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", having joint social media accounts is a deterrent to any friend that may have other ideas. I also never meet with a guy friend in a one on one situation. If I want to hang out with that friend, my husband or my friend's significant other, is there.
My husband is my best friend. His friendship is more important than any other friendship I have. He knows this. Just as marriage is continually evolving each day you are married, so do other friendships that evolve to accommodate complete fidelity to our spouse. If a friendship cannot be sustained through appropriate channels, it is not worth clinging to. A true friend would not require it of you.
Do you consider yourself a true friend?
The "Thank you" defense
I learned long ago that if you just say "thank you", problems and conflict can be averted or avoided. When people come to me because of one of my children exhibiting a behavior they don't agree with, I just say "thank you", with a smile. It stops them in their tracks of complaint. My husband uses the same tactic with me. He will use "thank you" at just the right time, right before I am about to get on him about something, he'll tell me thank you and then it sucks the bite right out of me.
When I played basketball my coach would always tell us that the best offense was a good defense. In dealing with differences and issues in marriage being "defensive" is usually what incites unkind words. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work there is a section about "The Magic Six hours" with little things to do to strengthen your relationship during the week. In the last hour, called the State of the union meeting, couples are advised to "use gentle start-up and listen nondefensively" (bolded text added). Using "thank you" in your gentle startup is the "best offense is a good defense" for the State of the union meeting at the end of your week. Just like when we pray, first we thank God for specific blessings, before we ask Him for anything.
I challenge you to use this tactic, not just in your marriage, but in everyday life. See what happens when you thank your cranky teenager for anything that they do, thank your troublesome toddler for the artwork they put on the wall, respond to hostility from strangers with gratitude and see how quickly they lose their anger. Most of all, see how much better You feel after expressing gratitude.
Always bending, never mending
I would say that 99% of the conflicts in my marriage are solvable. I would also say that our success rate of solving those problems is 100%. That 1% perpetual problem is never mended. 100% failure is the record against that 1%. My husband and I take turns bending until we snap, and we just keep going at it. Neither one of us is willing to let it alone.
What is the cut and dry end result wanted for sons when they grow up and leave home? To serve a mission and get married in the Temple. I have a teenage son from a previous marriage that is the constant source of a perpetual problem with my husband. If my son were to go and live with his father, the likelihood of him remaining active in church, going on a mission, or getting married in the temple would be significantly low. I feel an intense responsibility to keep my son in my home where he is happily active in early morning seminary, mid week youth group, daily prayer and scripture study, and Sunday school. He has a desire to serve a mission in three years he will be able to. Even though my husband and I perpetually disagree on how my son is doing, his presence in our life is the ideal environment not only for him, but through his example, our other children.
The bending that takes place now is a constant back and forth of one of us trying a behavior that the other has suggested. I have asked my husband, who is not a big touchy person, to hug my teenager, who is a very touchy person. My husband in turn will place conditions on my teenager of having had a shower and put on deodorant if he wants a hug from him.
It could be that the mending will occur in three years when my son has left on a mission for our church, or moved out.
I wonder what perpetual problem will take its place?
Personal Culture and Loyalty
Personal Culture and Loyalty
The culture of our individual families becomes a hybrid when we get married. The entire marriage is creating an entirely different culture with aspects from each partner's personal culture, as well as adding aspects that never existed for either. Each child from that marriage will take that culture into their own marriage.
Recently my sister-in-law had a baby. My teenage son was reading me the updates from the text messages being sent from the hospital room while I was driving. One of those messages said "she is doing great, it is just hard to see her in so much pain". My teenager looked at me and in confusion said "Pain? I thought she was having a baby". My teenager has seen four natural childbirths in the comfort of his home, all with his mother behaving like she is having a blast at a party, there's food, music, dancing, laughing, and then a baby in a water tub. When my son asked me this question I realized that even though I am glad he has the perspective of easy childbirth, he is likely to marry a woman that has had a different upbringing.
The first hostile experience I had with my mother-in-law, I had offended her by breastfeeding in public, she became hostile with me on the phone and I hung up on her. I gave my husband a heads up that she may try to call him and I didn't want it to take him by surprise. His reassurance that he was on my side, before even hearing any details and whether he agreed with me or not, made it very easy to calm down and do as much damage control as I was able. Although my relationship with my mother-in-law will never be the same, we were able to mend the situation to our satisfaction.
My husband and I are still developing our own family culture, and the loyalty we have towards each other is going to make it glorious. Hopefully our children will be able to see how they will be able to take the culture they were raised on and adapt it with the culture of the people they choose to marry.
What was one of the hard adaptations your personal culture had to go through with your spouse?
Dessert first
My husband and I share a strange history. His mother's sister married my mother's brother, so we share a first cousin but are not cousins ourselves. We knew each other when we were young, but never really interacted. Our courtship was almost non existent in the traditional sense. We went on one date, talked on the phone long distance for two weeks, and three weeks from that first date we had set a date at the temple to get married six months later. We video chatted regularly and saw each other physically only a few more times so that he could interact with my son before the big day. We filled those calls and that time with a lot of information. We felt very led by the spirit and the lack of physical interaction really helped to keep our minds clear. I would say that there were very few surprises that came up after we were married.
After reading about love maps and sacrifice I can see that my husband and I have been building wonderful memories through continuing our courtship after marriage. There have been many sacrifices made on both sides. I used to be very active in community theater and church choirs, which my husband has no interest, and was a huge time commitment that took me away from him. My husband works very hard to support our family and can no longer spend money the way that he did when he was single. We both sacrifice time we could spend alone to nurturing our children, banking on the studies that show that well nurtured children are more independent later on in life.
When I answered the Fondness and Admiration questionnaire from the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I could answer true to all 20 questions. As I was reading them though I had doubts about my husband being able to do the same. My husband and I have often felt that we know each other well, but when we played the random twenty question game we found that we could not answer questions like "what kind of present would I like best", "what is one of my favorite ways to relax", or "what stresses am I facing right now". Things like physical intimacy, favorite colors, birthdays, anniversaries, food, and books were easy to recall, but deeper questions came up blank. It was eye opening to see that our connection to each other is good, but could go much farther. Sometimes there doesn't seem like enough time to fit in more, but it reminded me of personal daily scripture study. If you do what is most important first you will always have room for it. Which also happens to be how I feel about dessert, if you eat it first you always have room for it.
I pick you
Regardless of my husband's upbringing in a medically focused environment, he has always supported my holistic approach to all aspects of our families health care. I don't look down my nose or judge him when he takes something for a headache, and he trusts me that giving birth to our children outside of the hospital in our house is safe.
In chapter 2 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pg 28), it talks about arguments that never get resolved. My husband and I always seem to gravitate back to the same argument, the behavior of my oldest son from my first marriage. It is the only argument that we ever seem to have. As we have approached resolving it many different ways, aspects of the argument have been downgraded as we try to compromise and accommodate the other persons feelings. Our ultimate caring for the well-being of my son is at the top, but because of our different upbringings my husband and I clash on how to parent. Right before I married my husband, our stake president gave us the advice to always pick your spouse. The best thing for our children is to see that our marriage is the top priority. Hopefully a domino effect will occur and each of our children will give the same priority to their own marriages.
Temple preparation
I am often asked by my non member friends what happens in a temple. Having been taught outside and inside a temple that what happens there is sacred, I have always struggled to find the words to share the beautiful experiences I have had there. The prophet Ezra Taft Benson made this statement in his First Presidency message What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple: "The temple is a sacred place, and the ordinances in the temple are of a sacred character. Because of its sacredness we are sometimes reluctant to say anything about the temple to our children and grandchildren. As a consequence, many do not develop a real desire to go to the temple, or when they go there, they do so without much background to prepare them for the obligations and covenants they enter into. I believe a proper understanding or background will immeasurable help prepare our youth for the temple." President Benson went on to give us multiple resources in the scriptures to use when we teach others about the temple. I can look back on how my own parents talked about the temple and see how well they prepared me to go to the temple. When I went for the first time I was confused by how familiar everything was, I had heard it my whole life. I had listened to so many people speak in such a way as to make it seam mysterious and odd that I felt a little let down by not learning anything profound. It is only now that I am older and have gone many times to the temple that I continue to learn great things, and recognize how vital it is to continue temple attendance to learn more.
A dear Relief Society teacher, that is also a temple worker, just spoke to my ward about the vast resources that are available through the church website. Videos about what happens in the temple, the clothing that is worn in the temple, and the work done by proxy for the dead in the temple. Though what happens in the temple is sacred, it is not a secret. I feel much better prepared to teach my children about the temple and to help instill in them a desire to go there for themselves.
The purpose of Marriage
If you have not read the arguments from the Supreme Court on ruling to legalize gay marriage on June 26, 2015, I highly recommend that you do (here is the link https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf). I will share some quotes from both sides of the argument and share some personal thoughts and experiences.
"Petitioners misunderstand the institution of marriage when they say that it would "mean little" absent governmental recognition. Brief for Petitioners in No.14-556, 9. 33"
This statement from one of the dissenting judges is the most profound for me. I lived a portion of my young adult life in a same-sex relationship. Although I could not take the sacrament, say prayers, or hold a calling in my ward, I never stopped going to church. When I informed my parents of my decision I was treated with love and boundaries. They were the same boundaries that would have been applicable had I been in a heterosexual relationship. My mother was firm that anyone that I chose to live with would be loved and welcomed by her, but that physical acts of affection would not be tolerated in her home where her grandchildren would be exposed to my example. These were the same restrictions that they placed on me as a dating teenager. I am able to look back on that time of my life as a happy time, incomplete, but happy all the same. I retain my connections and love for other members of the gay community, many of whom share a traditional belief in marriage.
Another quote from a dissenting judge "Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history- and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship". This is a deciding factor of why I chose to live a life in harmony with what I had been taught my whole life. When I evaluated my life and what would complete it, I was lacking parenthood. I certainly could have chosen to be artificially inseminated to achieve this goal, but I knew that "children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)". I cannot express the intense joy and happiness that I have found being married and having children. My attraction to members of the same gender has not magically disappeared, but neither does it hinder me from the intense love and attraction I have for my husband. A majority judge made this statement, and I completely agree, "No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were".
Fixing vs starting new
I had an iPad with a cracked screen that Apple would not fix, only replace. This iPad had precious, irreplaceable, memories on it that I could not sync to the computer without it being fixed. We live in a society that discards and replaces anything that has any problem rather than take the time to fix it.
I was first married when I was 22 years old. There were strange occurrences that I chalked up to just being what marriage was really like. I had my first child that first year of marriage. During my second year of marriage I discovered that my husband was leading a double life. When I confronted him about it I never once considered that I would get divorced. I had been taught to forgive and work towards building back trust. My husband had no interest in reconciliation, moved out, and left me and our son. One month before the divorce was final I discovered that his double life had resulted in another family. All of the strange behavior, and his choice to discard our family, was brought into perspective.
It saddens me to hear of so many divorces over infidelity, substance abuse, or pornography. Yes these are awful things that are hard to work through, and it does seem like it would be easier to throw it away and get a new one, but that is a lie. We can do hard things.
Now that I have remarried there is little difference in my experience. The only significant difference is that I am married to a man that is really at work when he says he is, and that divorce is not an option for him. We have problems like anyone else, but we understand that marriage is work and everything is forgivable.
I was first married when I was 22 years old. There were strange occurrences that I chalked up to just being what marriage was really like. I had my first child that first year of marriage. During my second year of marriage I discovered that my husband was leading a double life. When I confronted him about it I never once considered that I would get divorced. I had been taught to forgive and work towards building back trust. My husband had no interest in reconciliation, moved out, and left me and our son. One month before the divorce was final I discovered that his double life had resulted in another family. All of the strange behavior, and his choice to discard our family, was brought into perspective.
It saddens me to hear of so many divorces over infidelity, substance abuse, or pornography. Yes these are awful things that are hard to work through, and it does seem like it would be easier to throw it away and get a new one, but that is a lie. We can do hard things.
Now that I have remarried there is little difference in my experience. The only significant difference is that I am married to a man that is really at work when he says he is, and that divorce is not an option for him. We have problems like anyone else, but we understand that marriage is work and everything is forgivable.
The Tree Life
Welcome to my blog. I am in fact married to a Tree. I have loved having the last name Tree. I even refrained from giving my girls middle names so that they keep their maiden name of Tree as their middle name after marriage. I've gotten to say fun things with my last name, like I have a Christmas Tree child that was born on Christmas day, I live in a Tree house, and I am a huge Tree hugger. Being married to a Tree has changed the course of my life. The Tree that I married is the most ideal companion that anyone could ask for. By the standards of the world, and the culture of my church, I am a radical. I have been blessed to be married to someone that gives me free reign, and who is open to my radical notions. I have needed no other validation in my life with my Tree guarding my back. I hope that as I share my life Married To A Tree that you too will find the strength to fully delve into what you are passionate about without fear of judgment from the rest of the world.
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