Kiss and tell

When I was in first grade, my mother had to talk to the school principle three times because I was tackling boys on the playground and kissing them. As a teenager I can remember very deep conversations with my parents about the sacredness and power of physical intimacy. As a young single adult I always had a significant other, or was actively dating for the next significant other. Before being married I was a class A flirt. After being married I toned that flirtation way down, but could never find the line between friendly and flirtatious. It often seemed to me that just being friendly was taken as flirtatious and the only way to avoid the appearance of flirtation was to not talk to anyone of the opposite gender (in my case, either gender). I am a huge advocate of being friends with someone of the opposite gender, otherwise I would have almost no friends, and friends are an important part of life. I also would say that any person I dated is still a friend to me. That being said, there are things to watch out for that have nothing to do with being physical. According to Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor, School of Social Work, Brigham Young University: "Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife". Some dangers to look out for: If there is ever a time when a friend takes priority over a spouse, any deception to the spouse about interaction with that friend, other friends around you sharing their observations and concern about the friendship, feeling awkward when the friend and the spouse interact, and being defensive about the friendship. Some of the great tools I have found are having joint Facebook and email accounts with my husband. I have no intention of having any level of infidelity in my marriage, and just like the saying "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure", having joint social media accounts is a deterrent to any friend that may have other ideas. I also never meet with a guy friend in a one on one situation. If I want to hang out with that friend, my husband or my friend's significant other, is there. 

My husband is my best friend. His friendship is more important than any other friendship I have. He knows this. Just as marriage is continually evolving each day you are married, so do other friendships that evolve to accommodate complete fidelity to our spouse. If a friendship cannot be sustained through appropriate channels, it is not worth clinging to.  A true friend would not require it of you. 

Do you consider yourself a true friend? 

The "Thank you" defense

I learned long ago that if you just say "thank you", problems and conflict can be averted or avoided. When people come to me because of one of my children exhibiting a behavior they don't agree with, I just say "thank you", with a smile. It stops them in their tracks of complaint. My husband uses the same tactic with me. He will use "thank you" at just the right time, right before I am about to get on him about something, he'll tell me thank you and then it sucks the bite right out of me. 

When I played basketball my coach would always tell us that the best offense was a good defense. In dealing with differences and issues in marriage being "defensive" is usually what incites unkind words. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work there is a section about "The Magic Six hours" with little things to do to strengthen your relationship during the week. In the last hour, called the State of the union meeting, couples are advised to  "use gentle start-up and listen nondefensively" (bolded text added). Using "thank you" in your gentle startup is the "best offense is a good defense" for the State of the union meeting at the end of your week. Just like when we pray, first we thank God for specific blessings, before we ask Him for anything.

 I challenge you to use this tactic, not just in your marriage, but in everyday life. See what happens when you thank your cranky teenager for anything that they do, thank your troublesome toddler for the artwork they put on the wall, respond to hostility from strangers with gratitude and see how quickly they lose their anger. Most of all, see how much better You feel after expressing gratitude.

Always bending, never mending

I would say that 99% of the conflicts in my marriage are solvable. I would also say that our success rate of solving those problems is 100%. That 1% perpetual problem is never mended. 100% failure is the record against that 1%. My husband and I take turns bending until we snap, and we just keep going at it. Neither one of us is willing to let it alone.

What is the cut and dry end result wanted for sons when they grow up and leave home? To serve a mission and get married in the Temple. I have a teenage son from a previous marriage that is the constant source of a perpetual problem with my husband. If my son were to go and live with his father, the likelihood of him remaining active in church, going on a mission, or getting married in the temple would be significantly low. I feel an intense responsibility to keep my son in my home where he is happily active in early morning seminary, mid week youth group, daily prayer and scripture study, and Sunday school. He has a desire to serve a mission in three years he will be able to. Even though my husband and I perpetually disagree on how my son is doing, his presence in our life is the ideal environment not only for him, but through his example, our other children. 

The bending that takes place now is a constant back and forth of one of us trying a behavior that the other has suggested. I have asked my husband, who is not a big touchy person, to hug my teenager, who is a very touchy person. My husband in turn will place conditions on my teenager of having had a shower and put on deodorant if he wants a hug from him. 

 It could be that the mending will occur in three years when my son has left on a mission for our church, or moved out.

I wonder what perpetual problem will take its place?

I will Survive!

This week I was lamenting to my husband about how hard it is for people to not view the world as I do. I see things so clearly and people just seem to willfully hold their blinders on. My husband told me that I had tinted glasses on, and everyone has tinted glasses on. Literally one hour later I was reading  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Phd and read this:

 "Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If others don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies...Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are" (page 71).

 I know that I struggle with humility in several aspects of my life. I had never considered that I have blinders on. I have always known that everyone is a product of their education. It is not their academic education, but their cultural education, that plays the largest role in how people see the world. I have been blessed to be married to a man that has adapted to My personal culture.

Part of my personal culture is loud competition.  This is hard for my husband because he is very low key. He enjoys competition but is just happy to play whether he wins or not. He also wants nothing to do with a spotlight. I like to trash talk and perform much better with an audience. Three years ago there was an open audition for the reality show Survivor, forty five minutes from where I live ( picture below). I got past all the audition points (the background check is insane) and I'm on a list of potential cast members for three more years. If I don't get cast by then I can re-audition. Until then, I like to practice skills that would aid me in winning on Survivor.   My husband and I played a game of what we would do if we were stranded on an island and could only take ten items from the wreckage of our transportation. Narrowing down the list to ten items that we would both agree on was interesting. The only three items that we each picked on our separate lists initially were water, first aid kit, and a knife. Three of the items I put on my list I put because I thought they would be on my husband's list too, they weren't (in case you were wondering what they were, I thought for sure my husband would want an extra change of clothes, toilet paper, and contraceptives. Did that make you laugh? My husband sure thought it was funny). When my husband made his list he didn't even think about what I would take, he just picked everything that had a survival purpose. The best part about combining our lists was that we were both able to sacrifice things on our lists and agree and be satisfied with the final list. We even had one empty space left to bring a gun, which wasn't on either of our lists to begin with.

What are some items that you would be willing to sacrifice for your partner?

(I am the one in the hat with the baby)

Personal Culture and Loyalty

Personal Culture and Loyalty

The culture of our individual families becomes a hybrid when we get married. The entire marriage is creating an entirely different culture with aspects from each partner's personal culture, as well as adding aspects that never existed for either. Each child from that marriage will take that culture into their own marriage.

Recently my sister-in-law had a baby. My teenage son was reading me the updates from the text messages being sent from the hospital room while I was driving. One of those messages said "she is doing great, it is just hard to see her in so much pain". My teenager looked at me  and in confusion said "Pain? I thought she was having a baby".  My teenager has seen four natural childbirths in the comfort of his home, all with his mother behaving like she is having a blast at a party, there's food, music, dancing, laughing, and then a baby in a water tub. When my son asked me this question I realized that even though I am glad he has the perspective of easy childbirth, he is likely to marry a woman that has had a different upbringing. 

The first hostile experience I had with my mother-in-law, I had offended her by breastfeeding in public, she became hostile with me on the phone and I hung up on her. I gave my husband a heads up that she may try to call him and I didn't want it to take him by surprise.  His reassurance that he was on my side, before even hearing any details and whether he agreed with me or not, made it very easy to calm down and do as much damage control as I was able. Although my relationship with my mother-in-law will never be the same, we were able to mend the situation to our satisfaction. 

My husband and I are still developing our own family culture, and the loyalty we have towards each other is going to make it glorious. Hopefully our children will be able to see how they will be able to take the culture they were raised on and adapt it with the culture of the people they choose to marry. 

What was one of the hard adaptations your personal culture had to go through with your spouse?