Dessert first

My husband and I share a strange history. His mother's sister married my mother's brother, so we share a first cousin but are not cousins ourselves. We knew each other when we were young, but never really interacted. Our courtship was almost non existent in the traditional sense. We went on one date, talked on the phone long distance for two weeks, and three weeks from that first date we had set a date at the temple to get married six months later.  We video chatted regularly and saw each other physically only a few more times so that he could interact with my son before the big day. We filled those calls and that time with a lot of information. We felt very led by the spirit and the lack of physical interaction really helped to keep our minds clear. I would say that there were very few surprises that came up after we were married. 

After reading about love maps and sacrifice I can see that my husband and I have been building wonderful memories through continuing our courtship after marriage. There have been many sacrifices made on both sides. I used to be very active in community theater and church choirs, which my husband has no interest, and was a huge time commitment that took me away from him. My husband works very hard to support our family and can no longer spend money the way that he did when he was single.  We both sacrifice time we could spend alone to nurturing our children, banking on the studies that show that well nurtured children are more independent later on in life. 

When I answered the Fondness and Admiration questionnaire from the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I could answer true to all 20 questions. As I was reading them though I had doubts about my husband being able to do the same. My husband and I have often felt that we know each other well, but when we played the random twenty question game we found that we could not answer questions like "what kind of present would I like best", "what is one of my favorite ways to relax", or "what stresses am I facing right now". Things like physical intimacy, favorite colors, birthdays, anniversaries, food, and books were easy to recall, but deeper questions came up blank. It was eye opening to see that our connection to each other is good, but could go much farther. Sometimes there doesn't seem like enough time to fit in more, but it reminded me of personal daily scripture study. If you do what is most important first you will always have room for it. Which also happens to be how I feel about dessert, if you eat it first you always have room for it. 

I pick you

Regardless of my husband's upbringing in a medically focused environment, he has always supported my holistic approach to all aspects of our families health care. I don't look down my nose or judge him when he takes something for a headache, and he trusts me that giving birth to our children outside of the hospital in our house is safe.

In chapter 2 of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (pg 28), it talks about arguments that never get resolved. My husband and I always seem to gravitate back to the same argument, the behavior of my oldest son from my first marriage. It is the only argument that we ever seem to have. As we have approached resolving it many different ways, aspects of the argument have been downgraded as we try to compromise and accommodate the other persons feelings. Our ultimate caring for the well-being of my son is at the top, but because of our different upbringings my husband and I clash on how to parent. Right before I married my husband, our stake president gave us the advice to always pick your spouse. The best thing for our children is to see that our marriage is the top priority. Hopefully a domino effect will occur and each of our children will give the same priority to their own marriages. 

Temple preparation

I am often asked by my non member friends what happens in a temple. Having been taught outside and inside a temple that what happens there is sacred, I have always struggled to find the words to share the beautiful experiences I have had there. The prophet Ezra Taft Benson made this statement in his First Presidency message What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple: "The temple is a sacred place, and the ordinances in the temple are of  a sacred character. Because of its sacredness we are sometimes reluctant to say anything about the temple to our children and grandchildren. As a consequence, many do not develop a real desire to go to the temple, or when they go there, they do so without much background to prepare them for the obligations and covenants they enter into. I believe a proper understanding or background will immeasurable help prepare our youth for the temple." President Benson went on to give us multiple resources in the scriptures to use when we teach others about the temple. I can look back on how my own parents talked about the temple and see how well they prepared me to go to the temple. When I went for the first time I was confused by how familiar everything was, I had heard it my whole life. I had listened to so many people speak in such a way as to make it seam mysterious and odd that I felt a little let down by not learning anything profound. It is only now that I am older and have gone many times to the temple that I continue to learn great things, and recognize how vital it is to continue temple attendance to learn more. 

A dear Relief Society teacher, that is also a temple worker, just spoke to my ward about the vast resources that are available through the church website. Videos about what happens in the temple, the clothing that is worn in the temple, and the work done by proxy for the dead in the temple. Though what happens in the temple is sacred, it is not a secret. I feel much better prepared to teach my children about the temple and to help instill in them a desire to go there for themselves.

The purpose of Marriage

If you have not read the arguments from the Supreme Court on ruling to legalize gay marriage on June 26, 2015, I highly recommend that you do (here is  the link   https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf). I will share some quotes from both sides of the argument and share some personal thoughts and experiences.

"Petitioners misunderstand the institution of marriage when they say that it would "mean little" absent governmental recognition. Brief for Petitioners in No.14-556, 9. 33"

This statement from one of the dissenting judges is the most profound for me. I lived a portion of my young adult life in a same-sex relationship. Although I could not take the sacrament, say prayers, or hold a calling in my ward, I never stopped going to church. When I informed my parents of my decision I was treated with love and boundaries. They were the same boundaries that would have been applicable had I been in a heterosexual relationship. My mother was firm that anyone that I chose to live with would be loved and welcomed by her, but that physical acts of affection would not be tolerated in her home where her grandchildren would be exposed to my example. These were the same restrictions that they placed on me as a dating teenager. I am able to look back on that time of my life as a happy time, incomplete, but happy all the same. I retain my connections and love for other members of the gay community, many of whom share a traditional belief in marriage. 

Another quote from a dissenting judge "Marriage did not come about as a result of a political movement, discovery, disease, war, religious doctrine, or any other moving force of world history- and certainly not as a result of a prehistoric decision to exclude gays and lesbians. It arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship". This is a deciding factor of why I chose to live a life in harmony with what I had been taught my whole life. When I evaluated my life and what would complete it, I was lacking parenthood. I certainly could have chosen to be artificially inseminated to achieve this goal, but I knew that "children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)". I cannot express the intense joy and happiness that I have found being married and having children. My attraction to members of the same gender has not magically disappeared, but neither does it hinder me from the intense love and attraction I have for my husband. A majority judge made this statement, and I completely agree, "No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were".

Fixing vs starting new

 I had an iPad with a cracked screen that Apple would not fix, only replace. This iPad had precious, irreplaceable, memories on it that I could not sync to the computer without it being fixed. We live in a society that discards and replaces anything that has any problem rather than take the time to fix it.
I was first married when I was 22 years old. There were strange occurrences that I chalked up to just being what marriage was really like. I had my first child that first year of marriage. During my second year of marriage I discovered that my husband was leading a double life. When I confronted him about it I never once considered that I would get divorced. I had been taught to forgive and work towards building back trust. My husband had no interest in reconciliation, moved out, and left me and our son. One month before the divorce was final I discovered that his double life had resulted in another family. All of the strange behavior, and his choice to discard our family, was brought into perspective.
It saddens me to hear of so many divorces over infidelity, substance abuse, or pornography. Yes these are awful things that are hard to work through, and it does seem like it would be easier to throw it away and get a new one, but that is a lie. We can do hard things.
Now that I have remarried there is little difference in my experience. The only significant difference is that I am married to a man that is really at work when he says he is, and that divorce is not an option for him. We have problems like anyone else, but we understand that marriage is work and everything is forgivable.